You know those moments you have in your life when you identify something about you, something that you never thought that you would do or say, and you can't believe that you did that; I had that moment today. It made me rethink my beliefs, my perspectives, about my own sub-conscious thoughts and how I reinforced ideas that I was adamantly against. It made me realize how wrong I am and kind of lost respect for myself for even having that thought or making that mistake "casually".
Today, I bought a bottle of cough syrup in the morning, but I was unable to open the cap as it was too tight. I asked my friend for a knife or blade when she came from her room to cut the cap and open it. When she came, she asked me for the bottle and tried to open it. I was sure that she wouldn't be able to open it and to my surprise, she not only opened it, but did it with ease. She smiled at me and taunted me for not being able to open it myself, as all good friends do. But then, she asked me to remember this next time when I offer to hold her bag. Maybe she was making me realize that she was physically as strong as me, maybe even more. I understand that, but it didn't bother me, I never offered to help her carry her bags because I thought she was weak. We are basically of equal strength physically and I never assumed to be a strong person myself. I offered to help because I cared for her. There is this patriarchal belief of men being physically stronger than women and gaining their masculinity from doing such acts that shows their superior strength, which apparently gives them a higher status in masculinity scale. There are instances in popular media showing women running to men to open jars, do heavy tasks requiring strength or carrying heavy loads. This demonstration of physical strength as a masculine trait reinforces this patriarchal belief. I never accepted patriarchal norms and practices and was comfortable with the incident that happened today. But then I told her that I don't gain my masculinity from my physical strength, but from my other talents like my speed, analytical ability and drawing skills. Suddenly, she pointed out something which I didn't think at all. She asked me why I call these my masculinity symbols. All these things can be found in females too. Then she told me I associated masculinity to my confidence. It was like I considered everything that gave me confident as masculine. If that is to be true, she said, and assuming confidence is a masculine trait, what about women who are confident. I was completely stunned by what I had said and taken aback by her quick critical response. I am happy that she pointed it out. It was a fault in my thought that I was completely unaware of which she noticed.
Women are confident, skilled, and strong. We can't assign a gender to these qualities. Confidence doesn't come from being a particular gender. But I understood that patriarchy tries to portray many of these qualities as masculine traits so that just being a male in society gives you confidence even without having the required skills. It also takes away the confidence from women, because even if they have the required talents, they are not considered capable of developing them because of its association with gender norms. They are constantly forced to believe that they are weaker, less intelligent, incapable just because these traits are masculine. The norms and practices of the society actually reinforces this belief.
I believed myself to be a feminist. But once I made this statement, I don't think I deserve to be called one. I am completely ashamed for making that statement. All my life I have met women more confident than me, talented than me, intelligent than me, and superior to me in all ways and respected them for that. I consider it to be an insult to them for making such a statement. The fact that I did make such a statement makes me realize how much the patriarchy has gone into my head, that if I don't put serious thought into my actions, it might turn out be sexist.
I apologize to all the strong confident talented women out there who battles patriarchy everyday. You try to remove the notions of gender norms and break the shackles that pulls women back. It is guys like me who still hold on to the old customs that tries to chain you up, who doesn't want to lose our power in society. As long as feminism comes as naturally and involuntary to men as patriarchy does now, this fight should go on.
Today, I bought a bottle of cough syrup in the morning, but I was unable to open the cap as it was too tight. I asked my friend for a knife or blade when she came from her room to cut the cap and open it. When she came, she asked me for the bottle and tried to open it. I was sure that she wouldn't be able to open it and to my surprise, she not only opened it, but did it with ease. She smiled at me and taunted me for not being able to open it myself, as all good friends do. But then, she asked me to remember this next time when I offer to hold her bag. Maybe she was making me realize that she was physically as strong as me, maybe even more. I understand that, but it didn't bother me, I never offered to help her carry her bags because I thought she was weak. We are basically of equal strength physically and I never assumed to be a strong person myself. I offered to help because I cared for her. There is this patriarchal belief of men being physically stronger than women and gaining their masculinity from doing such acts that shows their superior strength, which apparently gives them a higher status in masculinity scale. There are instances in popular media showing women running to men to open jars, do heavy tasks requiring strength or carrying heavy loads. This demonstration of physical strength as a masculine trait reinforces this patriarchal belief. I never accepted patriarchal norms and practices and was comfortable with the incident that happened today. But then I told her that I don't gain my masculinity from my physical strength, but from my other talents like my speed, analytical ability and drawing skills. Suddenly, she pointed out something which I didn't think at all. She asked me why I call these my masculinity symbols. All these things can be found in females too. Then she told me I associated masculinity to my confidence. It was like I considered everything that gave me confident as masculine. If that is to be true, she said, and assuming confidence is a masculine trait, what about women who are confident. I was completely stunned by what I had said and taken aback by her quick critical response. I am happy that she pointed it out. It was a fault in my thought that I was completely unaware of which she noticed.
Women are confident, skilled, and strong. We can't assign a gender to these qualities. Confidence doesn't come from being a particular gender. But I understood that patriarchy tries to portray many of these qualities as masculine traits so that just being a male in society gives you confidence even without having the required skills. It also takes away the confidence from women, because even if they have the required talents, they are not considered capable of developing them because of its association with gender norms. They are constantly forced to believe that they are weaker, less intelligent, incapable just because these traits are masculine. The norms and practices of the society actually reinforces this belief.
I believed myself to be a feminist. But once I made this statement, I don't think I deserve to be called one. I am completely ashamed for making that statement. All my life I have met women more confident than me, talented than me, intelligent than me, and superior to me in all ways and respected them for that. I consider it to be an insult to them for making such a statement. The fact that I did make such a statement makes me realize how much the patriarchy has gone into my head, that if I don't put serious thought into my actions, it might turn out be sexist.
I apologize to all the strong confident talented women out there who battles patriarchy everyday. You try to remove the notions of gender norms and break the shackles that pulls women back. It is guys like me who still hold on to the old customs that tries to chain you up, who doesn't want to lose our power in society. As long as feminism comes as naturally and involuntary to men as patriarchy does now, this fight should go on.
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